Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Well, this certainly took a turn
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.