Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Erm I’m gonna say no
Driving in Europe vs Canada
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
early stone age tool
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”