kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Got ya covered
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.