detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”