Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.