[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What’s a Messi?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*