Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
whatcha thinkin bout
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.