You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
When someone trying to leave me
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.