A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.