“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.