I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The happy life.. 😊
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
beware of dog
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]