Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator