Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either