[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You Might Also Like
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).