I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂