*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer