[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You Might Also Like
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker