Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I have two kinds of followers
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.