Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores