[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Just grow your own
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?