i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’m Sold!
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards