My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’