Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?