COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You Might Also Like
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.