I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
drew a comic about my origin story
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?