You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You Might Also Like
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.