Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
real
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.