[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.