I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
You Might Also Like
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING