Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.