Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.