I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
These are too funny not to post 😂
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds