I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Y’all know who you are.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The Sun
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”