Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
remember
only for emergencies
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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