Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
You Might Also Like
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
plant them where lol
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Close call…
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?