Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”