[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You Might Also Like
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?