[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
What the hell happened in there??
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A new level of troll.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.