With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Every haunted house movie:
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives