“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You Might Also Like
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…