Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
when nothing goes right… go left
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes