Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”