My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.