Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Good Morning.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Wise advice
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve