Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy