My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
All set.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”