cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
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*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks