Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.