Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I cannot call her anything else now
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.