Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Monica just destroyed the internet
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.